Most people lose weight on new weight loss endeavors! My first time doing Weight Watchers, now WW, I lost 7 pounds the first week. I was 16 and it was the most successful feeling in the world. Looking at that number go down on the scale was a tangible way to celebrate my new lifestyle of carbonated waters and cucumbers as substitutions for previous high calorie snacks. It felt truly exhilarating.
I continued to lose weight for the first 5-6 months of WW. I lost a total of 40 pounds and felt like a brand new person. People also treated me like a brand new person There is no way that anyone was going to convince me that I was going to gain that weight back. But guess what…
I more or less did. By the end of the first year of weight watchers I was losing my self discipline and I was gaining, very slowly, the pounds I had been so proud to lose. I started skipping my weekly meetings and weigh-ins because I had had another “bad week.” At a certain point, to keep losing the suggested two pounds a week I had to eat a lot, lot less. It was a constant mental battle of what I thought was “self control.”
So, I was left with my body inevitably gaining back those precious lost pounds. And I was also left with something else. Something much worse. I was left with a heaping plateful of guilt and shame making themselves at home in my brain. Cozily settling in for a 13 year stay.
Even as I began to lose steam, my brain constantly calculated the cost of my food.
20 points to start the day. I had an omelet and hash browns- 16 points. 4 points left. Now I need to workout to gain back 5 workout points. Then I can eat 9 points throughout the day. I’ll just have grapes and crackers. They are “low point” or better yet “zero point” foods. Oh no, my mom made lasagna for dinner. That is 15 points too. Why is food so many points? Forget it. I will just eat the lasagna and go over my points because I am hungry and it smells so good. Also, who cares about points at this point? I am just gonna eat whatever I want for the rest of the day and start over tomorrow. It’s go time! This is my Last Supper! Pop tarts sound good. I will have those too. I am not counting the points on the butter for my broccoli either. Or my breadstick. All the things I had held back from eating I needed to eat right now. Because in 12 hours, I will get back on track by being “good” (and hungry).
The most challenging part of remembering this thinking is that I actually thought I was alone in this experience. That I was the only one who couldn’t do it. That there was something horribly wrong with me.
When people you love started out with a strict diet plan this new year, remember that you need to be there to encourage them when they suddenly stop talking about their diet because they are no longer doing it. Be there to say, it’s ok! Let’s share a normal, happy meal together. Don’t tell them to work harder, focus more, be determined. That just does not work, and it will only exacerbate their feelings of shame when they fail.
So, I am here to tell you… It is time to take a deep breath and forgive yourself too. If the shame and guilt are settled into your body from diets that you couldn’t make work. 1,200 calories is NOT enough for an adult, neither is restricting 4 food groups. Failing at restrictive weight loss diets actually means you are mentally healthy. It means your biological hunger yelled loudly and you responded by feeding your body. It is no surprise that if you have been on lots of diets your body and brain are worried. “What if she deprives us of food again? I need to eat everything now!”
Thanks for thinking about this with me.
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